Prior to Covid, I felt I had found my way in the church, in religion and in Christ. I had become active in church again, just as I had been as a youth/young adult. This time I had an understanding of my relationship with Christ and my obligation to God versus my obligation to my church home. Covid struck and we started online services immediately during the lockdown. While participating in services virtually, I slowly started to disconnect from the church again. I thought it was merely the fact that I was attending church virtually instead of in person. Then I thought it was because we were not having Sunday School classes or any other activities outside of the standard services that allowed us to congregate and fellowship. I wasn’t sure what it was but I become detached.
November 2020, I returned to church face to face and stopped going shortly after. I started again in March 2021 and while I’ve been going for a while, I still feel disengaged. I thought it was still the lack of Sunday School or the camaraderie we had pre-Covid or maybe it was my own spiritual journey at this point. I searched for different devotionals to use in my personal life outside of the church. I tried new gratitude journals to no avail. Finally, Sunday School started and I was elated. I was back to the norm, private devotional time with God, church, Sunday School and my old school gospel concerts in the car. However, I continued to come home feeling empty.
I started reflecting on what I was doing and what the church was offering. I decided I needed to change the books I chose for my devotional and really do some soul searching. I also reassessed what was going on at church. I realized that I don’t enjoy the praise and worship team. I’ve always enjoyed music but I don’t feel the presence of God when they are singing and the leader…I don’t know how to describe what she does. I also realized the Word that was being delivered was immature. In really, really listening, I’m realizing the pastor is saying the same thing every Sunday and he comes across as judgemental. On top of that he finds a way to incorporate the subject of sexual relations in every sermon.
Long sigh… So now what? I feel like looking for a new church home is like starting a new relationship. Based on what I’ve heard from friends is it’s safer to stay with what you have. I’ve tried large churches but felt invisible. I’ve tried smaller congregations but felt they were pushing too hard to quickly become a mega-church. So now what? How do I find a new church home? If the church is in me, am I the problem? Right now I’m confused and have truly become a lost soul.