The Pain of Peace

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“The journey into self-love and self-acceptance must begin with self-examination…until you take the journey of self-reflection, it is almost impossible to grow or learn in life.” Iyanla Vanzant

The picture above is typical me. I am often alone, minding my business and avoiding drama. When I was younger my parents would tell me, “Mind your own business and you won’t have any issues with people.” I went through school following that rule. I never had a lot of friends or associates and therefore I never dealt with “he say, she say” foolishness. I went through life thinking this was acceptable. I wasn’t causing anybody any harm so it was all good. My life was peaceful.

Last week, while completing several self-assessments/reflections, I started to notice a pattern. No matter what type of assessment I completed, it kept suggesting or revealing to me I had a difficult time interacting with others and forming relationships. One assessment even revealed I was considered “high task, low people” suggesting I am more than capable of getting a job done but with little regard for others. The “high task” was not shocking to me as I create a “To Do” list for personal and professional responsibilities weekly. But with little regard for people????!?

These assessments made me question why I don’t enjoy forming bonds with others. Am I living by my parents’ rules or do I have layers of scars that cause me to fear interpersonal relationships? Is there a lack of trust? Do I feel I give more than I receive in relationships? Do I find my priorities to be more important than relationships? I’ve lived most of my life excited about the fact that I don’t have drama but this new revelation saddened me. As an educator and a mother, how can I teach quality relationships if I’ve failed to build any? Last week I spent a few moments feeling empty but I was thankful for being able to recognize my deficiency and attempt to develop it. I am now looking forward to rediscovering myself. I’m going to make a conscious effort in the next six months to come out of my shell and find a few quality connections to help me enjoy this life. While I’ve enjoyed my peace for years, I’m starting to realize it’s caused me a little bit of pain.

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